Clumps #3
Tuff Love's Festival Dos & Don'ts
Tuff Love are the third act to be announced for Howlin’ Fringe!, a new Lost Map all-day event taking place on Saturday August 8th, at Penicuik Town Hall.
With appearances past and pending this summer everywhere from Glastonbury to Field Day, Latitude, Wickerman, Indietracks, Kendal Calling, Solas and Doune the Rabbit Hole, Tuff Love have become as synonymous with festivals as a sunburned fat guy in wellies passed out face down in some chips with his bum hanging out. Ahead of their set at Lost Map’s Howlin’ Fringe, they’ve revisited all of their festival experiences happy and harrowing thus far to compile a handy list of what and what not to do when partaking of an al fresco music weekender.
PACKING A PUNCH.
DON’T overpack, you probably won’t change your clothes. But do bring bin bags. You will almost certainly need them. You can’t be sure why until it happens, but when it does, you’ll know. Also, don’t pack punch, you can just mix it when you’re there.
A BIRD IN THE WARM DRY QUIET HOTEL ROOM IS WORTH TWO IN THE TENT.
DO stay in a hotel. We’ve yet to try this, but it will ensure that you can get to bed at a reasonable hour. You will however be depriving yourself of the opportunity to be woken in the middle of the night to the relaxing sound of someone urinating against your tent. Six of one, etc.
BE REALISTIC.
DON’T bring loads of underwear. You can bring spare pants but you probably won’t bother to change them. Best to bring at least one extra pair though, just in case.
SOCK IT TO ME.
DO use all the space you would have used for spare pants for socks. It will rain. Assume you’ll use around two pairs a day. So for a three day festival, go for something like six pairs plus one for the pot. The easiest thing to do with your wet muddy socks, and indeed any dirty clothes when at a festival is to just put them in the bin. Do find a bin though. Remember – leave no trace!
WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO IMPRESS?
DON’T bring shower gel! Baby wipes will suffice. Or do bring shower gel, but get a gullible friend to pack it.
REALLY SWITCH OFF.
DO turn your phone off and make an agreement with your friends to just meet up at the end of the weekend so you can compare scars and maybe travel home together. You don’t want to have to keep track of five people at a busy festival. You’ll have enough to worry about. Also this way you don’t have to make compromises. If you want to spend seventeen hours a day in your tent and just go and see one band, then you can.
C-R-E-A-M.
DON’T bring cash. You’ll spend it all on delicious festival food. Instead, bring rice cakes, tinned fish and apples. That is all the nutrients you will need. Bring a tin opener. Eat the tinned fish in somebody else’s tent. If you must eat the tinned fish in your own tent it will at least deter people from wanting to come and party in your tent.
PASS GO COLLECT £200.
Any time you pass your tent, DO eat a rice cake fish apple sandwich. You'll thank yourself later.
STRANGER DANGER.
DON’T make eye contact and don’t speak to strangers, these are gateway drugs.
KEEP YOUR LIGHTER CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER…
DO bring a lighter. Even if you don’t smoke yourself, it can be a great tool for bartering, making friends (even though we told you not to do that), building a fire, or anything really when things get apocalyptic.
B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
DON’T bring bananas. You’ll forget about them and they’ll probably end up getting squashed by a box of wine.
SHADOW-WINE-BOXING.
DO bring a box of wine. We’ve never done this, but suspect it might be just the thing. Since you’ve left all your money at home and your phone is off (if you didn’t switch it off it’ll have run out of battery by now anyway) this could be the only thing you’ll need to carry around.
GIMME SHELTER.
DO bring a tent (unless you booked a hotel). One year at a festival, all I (Julie) had was a sleeping bag, and I ended up sleeping in an abandoned marquee. It was cold.
ORAL HYGIENE.
DO bring a toothbrush unless you want to spend the weekend feeling like captain haddock died in your mouth (see: tinned fish advice above).
SELF-COMPASSION IS SO IMPORTANT.
DO test the limits of your self-respect over a festival weekend. But try not, also. Y’know, love yourself!
HIGH AND DRY.
DO bring a waterproof. I (Julie) don’t have one myself, but last year a friend gave me one of those cheep plastic poncho things, and I still have it. You can borrow it if you like.
EVERYBODY’S FREE TO WEAR SUNSCREEN.
DO get one of your friends to bring it though! That way you won’t have to carry it, but can still stay safe on the off chance that the sun comes out. You can probably get this same gullible person to pack loads of other great things – toilet paper, toothpaste, cereal bars…
MUSIC TO MY EARS.
DO bring an MP3 player and headphones – so you can drown out the sounds of fun when you’re trying to sleep. Maybe an audiobook so you can really pretend you’re somewhere else.
EMBRACE THE DARKNESS.
DO bring an eye mask – keep out the light when you’re trying to sleep.
HOPE FOR THE BEST, PREPARE FOR THE WORST.
DON’T expect to have fun. Bring hand sanitiser and sleeping pills instead.
DON’T LIMIT YOURSELF.
DO what you feel like doing.
CATHETER?
Keep meaning to look into this.